laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
