Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
