I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
