i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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