Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
