i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
