I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
