Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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