I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
