new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
