just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
