Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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