You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
