eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
