but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
