Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
