Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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