Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
