i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
