I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
