youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want her autograph on my taint
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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