...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
