i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
