Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
