my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
