Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
