I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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