I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
