ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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