Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
