Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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