I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
