He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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