I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
