Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
