I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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