She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
