Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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