im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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