its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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