My cat gives me a boner
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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