Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
