real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
