shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
