It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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