somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
