"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
