I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
