theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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