Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
