i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
