Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
