its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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