Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
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The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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