Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
