i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
