My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
