I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
