dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
