did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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